My Sentence? 25 for Life!

"Has the jury reached a verdict?"

"Yes, your honor."

"Would the bailiff please hand me the jury's verdict? (judge reads verdict) Would the jury please read the verdict aloud for the court?"

"Yes, your honor...we the jury, in the case of Dumbrille's Brain v. Dumbrille's Arteries have found the defendant 'guilty' on the charges of 'reckless addiction' in the first degree. We hereby sentence the defendant to 25 pizzas a year, FOR LIFE!"

"Thank you jury...bailiff, could you please take the defendant back to the holding cell in the produce section of Whole Foods? Make sure they receive a Kale Taco, 2 Green Beans, and Radish Water. Court is adjourned"

Yeah it went something like that. Except, Marcia Clark was there, I think...oh you think I'm lying?! You want the truth!? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!



Sorry, I really got into it with the courtroom drama...

My body is a temple. Well, it should be, except I treat it like a pizza brothel. It's not hard to see why self-control vanishes in the face of a good pie. It's got everything the body needs! (and a few hundred things it doesn't). But hey, I'm only human. I have needs, I get cravings, and for 10.99 plus delivery, I can get my fix pretty much whenever (at least until the money runs out!). So here I am...addicted, and after much debate, I have agreed for at least the past 2 years to eat ONLY 25 pizzas a year...for the rest of my life. 

Now, like anyone who knows me, if I could crush pizza down into a powder, and turn that powder into pill form, I would probably look something like this:



Therefore, to avoid the spiral of addiction and an outrageously successful diagnostic medicine practice, I have found (with the help of my wife) a way to curb the cravings and practice moderation. I have entered into this agreement knowing full well what I am giving up. But there are some stipulations to this agreement of self preservation. I know there is some hefty "legal jargon" but please try to follow along...here is the detailed plea deal I took about 2 years ago.

1. Gabe Dumbrille (heretofore referred to as "The Addict") shall have no more than 25 pizza meals per calendar year.

2. DEFINITIONS: Pizza Meals = pizza which is ordered, either from a delivery place, carry-out, or dine in, frozen, or otherwise prepared, in the presence of, but without the participation of, The Addict, in said preparation, shall constitute a pizza meal.

3. EXCEPTIONS: Non Pizza Meals = pizza which requires the caloric investment of The Addict in the preparation, shopping and cooking of ingredients (healthy ingredients) which shall constitute what is generally accepted to be, a "pizza" in the traditional definitions, shall not count against The Addict towards the 25 pizza allotment.

4. TERMS: This agreement, as outlined above, will be up for re-negotiation each year on the 31st, of December, with the aim of establishing mutually agreed upon terms for the subsequent calendar year beginning the 1st, of January. This agreement does not reflect the views and opinions of The Addict's wife, or the views and opinions of the Fox News Channel and affiliates, the agreement may not be replicated, distributed, or sold without the express written consent of the National Football League, Humira is not responsible for patients who cannot pronounce "adalimumab", any and all similarities to individuals living or dead is purely coincidental, no animals were harmed in the making of this agreement (except pigs for making pepperoni), and finally, iTunes would like you to just, for once, read the terms they took so long to write instead of just clicking "I agree", it was expensive to pay real lawyers for that. SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Pizza's probably fine to eat.

And that, is what I'm up against. Rather, that is what I want. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" Well in the case of a greasy cheese pennant, absence certainly makes the heart relax for 10 minutes.

Pizza Agreement FAQs

"So, you only eat 25 pizzas a year? It's almost July...do you have like half of them left?"

- uhhh...I have 10 left

"With only 25 pizzas, you probably only eat good ones right?"

- I think generally I do...but Hungry Howies has taken up like 5 of the 25 this year

"You must hate it?"

- No! I seriously don't! I save money, and now, what's cool is that when I finish walking a flight of stairs, I can breathe normally.

"If you make your own, it doesn't count...how does that make sense?"

- Great question...simple answer...QUALITY CONTROL! I buy good ingredients, I usually eat less, and I had to actually do something aside from operate speed dial to get it.

"Do you really eat only 25?"

- So, I turned 30 this year...kind of a big deal (I'm almost halfway to social security!) And I may have played the "I'm 30 now" card a couple times lately, but for the most part, yes. 25 is it.

"Is there like a pizza methadone? Or a patch? Or a gum? What do you do about the cravings?"

- The cravings never die (unfortunately), but I love so many kinds of food that being a little more dynamic in my diet has let me try a lot of different foods so it's been good...plus, methadone? No. But it does make me think of this:



Until next time pizza fans, dine well!

10 Pizzas that Define my 20s

So, to define my recent past, I recall my growth and development throughout my twenties in terms of pizza. Below, are the 10 pizzas that define my 20s. (and there was this one time I ate a chocolate covered jalapeno at the Renaissance Festival, good lord, that is a moment I will never forget...word of caution, and I quote Sir Issac Newton on this one "what goes in, must come out" - Lesson learned in twenties after eating jalapeno doused in chocolate)

NUMBERED BY AGE:

20 - Jet's Pizza 
PIZZA: Detroit Style Pepperoni & Italian Sausage



I know if you've read this blog you know how I feel about Jet's, but still, the fact remains, that this Pizza certainly defined my 20th year of life. My job at the time provided what seemed like weekly opportunities for Jet's. Which turned into weekly opportunities for weight gain (dat ranch tho!). This pizza defined 20 because it was prominent, and my first try of Detroit Style pizza. Look, don't judge, no one goes from not drinking wine to enjoying a nice Chianti (snake sound, snake sound, snake sound, snake sound, watch the video below)

21 - Little Sicily Pizza
PIZZA: Pepperoni

You're going to laugh...so, this one time, I stole pizza from strangers. Well, it was more of a con job than a theft. I was camping in Sterling, MI for a canoe trip down the rifle river with about 15 of my best friends. (If you've been to the rifle river, then you know it's a Redneck Cancun (affectionately named so)). I bought some pizza, had it delivered, and my friends ate it. They left me 1 of my 2 pizzas that I had ordered (hey, 2 pizzas is a serving size!). So, in my anguish and despair, I hatched a plan to go to our neighbor's campsite (where 20-30 pizzas had just also been delivered from the same place) and I carried both my remaining pizza box and the empty pizza box with me. I told them that I had ordered 3 pizzas, and that I thought they had gotten one of mine by mistake. Well, I was betting that it was a sound enough lie and it was, with 20+ pizzas, they didn't mind parting with one of them. I was actually not thinking it was going to work, and I did encounter some resistance. It wasn't until a drunk guy near their campfire shouted, "just give him the damn pizza" that my con job was complete.

22 - PizzaPapalis  
PIZZA: Chicago Style (by way of Detroit) Deep Dish, Pepperoni & Sausage 

I went with a friend whose wedding party I was a part of. It was for a Bachelor party, and we started off the day with this beastly pie. And I say pie in a literal sense. While not at all the best Chicago style Deep Dish I've ever had, PizzaPapalis is the next best thing! I definitely enjoyed it...to the tune of 4 pieces. Which, if you know Chicago Deep Dish, 4 pieces is the equivalent of eating about 42 Bagels. 


23 - Red Ox Tavern
PIZZA: Pepperoni, Sausage, & Jalapeno

This stuff, is the bees-knees! I love Red Ox pizza and it all started at 23. Plus, there is little better in this world than jalapenos on a pizza. This place is tied for my favorite pizza place in the Rochester, MI area. I know it's a bar, and it's bar pizza, but I promise you'll like it. Still get goosebumps when I think about it.






24 - Hungry Howies
PIZZA: Pepperoni & Sausage with Cajun Crust

Open. Eat. Repeat. Hungry Howies is the only place I've ever eaten at where they provide instructions. They also flavor their crust. I love this place too, it is my go to in the area, and it is special because I graduated college with my undergrad this particular year, and I celebrated with a cigar, a fine bourbon, and this beauty. I ate the pizza by a lake, and between you and me, I may have eaten the whole thing. I just recall feeling incredible being done with school, and having so little room left in my stomach that it was hard to breathe. I guess you could say this pizza took my breath away!

25 - Cottage Inn
PIZZA: All of them...(there was a buffet)

As you can see from the picture, this place touts itself as "Gourmet", well, this particular location by my old internship was borderline gourmet. I mean, I don't think of warm pizza behind a sneeze-guard all you can eat for $7.99 when I think of gourmet, but what do I know! This one stood out because my coworkers and I would go here frequently since it was right by work. That is until they closed. Probably an OSHA thing, but hey, it served its purpose!

26 - Gino's East 
PIZZA: Pepperoni & Sausage with Corn Meal Crust

My first big trip with my now wife was to Chicago. Now, I am not about to settle the debate about the best deep dish in Chicago in this post (I gotta save material!), but my wife told me I needed to try it. It should be noted that at this point, I had tried Uno, and Giordano's, but never Gino's. All I knew about the place was that you could write on the walls at the restaurant. My wife said it was one I had to try and boy was she right! They are one of the best to use the corn meal crust. And of course, when we finished eating, we wrote on the walls :D. You may have to wait in line like it's Cedar Point to get in, but definitely worth a try!

27 - Pizza Brain
PIZZA: Mexican Pizza


This was a pilgrimage. Seriously. My wife and I drove 9 hours to Philadelphia (which everyone knows means "City of Pizza Love") DUH!. I paid $15 on Kickstarter to fund this place. My wife found it online and once it opened, we went to visit and redeem my Kickstarter rewards! I was lucky to go with Samm's Aunt, Uncle, and Cousin (they were my pizza Sherpas in Philly). And we enjoyed a pizza on the house for coming so far and supporting the business. Pizza Brain is the world's first and only Pizza Museum as well. So if you love the pie, then you've got to go! The comped pizza we were given was a Mexican pizza (get the Taco Bell imagery out of your head) this was legit. Black beans, cilantro, freshness abound! The Mexican pizza there is the best Mexican pizza I have ever had.  

28 - Little Italy Pizza
PIZZA: White pie, ricotta 

So, this one time I went to New York, My friend Kasey had promised I would walk away with the belief that New York pizza is the Mount Olympus of pizza. Well, I love the guy, but I still didn't have my mind changed. However, my life was forever changed! New York pizza is a gift to God's green Earth. The crust had bubbles UNDERNEATH IT! It was so crispy and thin, and the toppings were perfect. I actually hadn't really enjoyed white pies as much as red ones until this point. But I ate their ricotta white pie and it blew my mind. (Sidenote: My brother-in-law and his girlfriend got me a book for Christmas that this guy wrote about going to every pizza place in New York, and needless to say, I've got my work cut out for me if/when I go back if I want to try them all). 

29 - Supino Pizzeria
PIZZA: Pepperoni, New York Style

Tucked away in the Eastern Market is the best pizza place in Detroit. And it's NOT Detroit Style! (BLASPHEMER!) I know I'll take some heat for that comment (Buddy's fans) Buddy's is good too! But I have to call a pizza a pizza! It is made in the New York style, thin, crispy and all about the toppings. While you don't necessarily need to eat it using a plate (like, literally eating it in hand with plate in hand) you probably should. Supino was a great discovery. It is a tiny place, so I wouldn't recommend making plans to go there on a whim. The seating is scarce and at lunch time there is a line out the door and down the street. If I went again, I would order it in advance and have a picnic. All in all, my twenties ended on a high note. I can't complain, I have been lucky to have tasted this pizza, and all the others that preceded it.

Well, there you go! 10 pizzas that define my 20s. If you know me well, you are probably asking, "Wait, there's one missing!". Yes that's true. And stay tuned to Pick-up or Delivery to see which one is missing. Let's just say, the pizza left off this list, is my favorite pizza of all time...seriously, it's a real home run. 

See you in my thirties!

Ranch: Or how to slap a Pizza in the face

You've all seen them...you've maybe even been them.

Ranch people.

For some reason the term makes me think of the looped playback of "sand people" (officially named Tusken Raiders) in the first Star Wars movie, growling and making that donkey-laugh after knocking down Luke Skywalker. 

Anyways, ranch people. They order their ranch before they walk into the restaurant in their minds. Whatever they're getting, it's taking a ranch bath before it enters their mouth. Fries, chicken tenders, zucchini fries, fried pickles, breadsticks, chicken wings, and pizza.

Now, I must confess that I have done this. Actually, sometimes I love it. Most of the time, I love it. But no less true is the fact that when you put ranch on pizza, it's like a slap in the face to pizza. 

Think about it...ever put A1 sauce on a steak? (YES! A1 sauce is f@#$% amazing!) Yes it is amazing...but it's not you eating and tasting that steak any more. It's now you observing the holy sacrament of A1 communion. 

My point is this, ranch dressing is a strange bedfellow to pizza. Pizza is one of the aforementioned things that already comes with a sauce on it! Why add another? Pizza is a dynamic taste experience, and to paint it with ranch is not the same as cannon-balling a chicken tender into a vat of ranch to save you from the blandness of the deep-fryer. No, pizza deserves better. And I would submit to you, that you ranchify pizzas that can't stand alone without it (Sorry Jet's!). 

If you truly love the ranch experience, or as I often hear it said in the Midwest "RayynCH", then I won't force you to change completely. I will (as I have admitted) put ranch on pizza. However, the pizzas that are going to rock your world. The pizzas that you have as of yet not seen or tasted for what they really are, will pass you by if you don't exercise the self-control and defy your ranchy nature to taste the real flavor of the slice in front of you. That is my challenge to you ranch people. Find out what pizza your really like, and you won't need to anesthetize your taste buds with whatever the hell makes up ranch...god knows I never want to know its composition. 

I hope this has at least offered a different perspective to how you think about pizza. Again, ranch can be a necessary evil in some pizza instances. But if you want to stick with adding a pizza accessory
(like ranch), why not try another kind? Shake it up a bit! I owe my knowledge of this next item to my wife and her family, but I dare you to try it. Look for this the next time you go grocery shopping:

It's pronounced "Jard-in-air" (I'm like 54.7% sure on that) and it's a spicy delicious companion to pizza. It's more like a back-up dancer than ranch...ranch is a Mariah Carey for sure. 

In the end, if you're eating pizza, then life's pretty good. Just promise me at least once, that you'll keep the ranch hidden in the valley.

A Pizza for All Seasons

Sometimes too much pizza is just too much (yeah, that's a lie, I would never say that).

But, I would agree to the suggestion to at least change it up every once in a while. Which is why this post will focus on a ground-breaking pizza discovery that I have recently made.

Pizza cookies.

No I didn't find it on Pinterest (although, I'm sure there's something on there), I didn't read it on Buzzfeed, and I didn't call my mom and ask her to make me pizza cookies for my blog...like I would do that!

I simply said (as many great scientists have), "What if?". 

So, with a few guests coming over earlier this week, I rounded up the following ingredients and rolled the dice. Here's how it all shook out:

- Red Icing (holidays came in clutch on this one, that stuff's everywhere)
- Holiday M&M's (for "pepperoni" and "green pepper")
- Sugar cookies (pre-made...ain't nobody got time fo' that!)
- Annnnnnd shredded coconut for cheese (the wife hatched this idea, love you babe!)

And then assemble! All in all, it was very simple to get. Total cost was $17 at Meijer (noticing a trend? I love me some Meijer).

It took about 20 minutes to put together: spread icing, add "cheese", M&M's, and dunzo.

I served them up on plates and the company I had over ate them up! These suckers are RICH, and a serving size should probably only be 0.32 cookies. I had one and needed a nap afterwards. It all depends on what kind of sugar cookie you get. The ones I bought were plump to put it frankly. 

So, there you have it! Pizza...but not really. Changing it up is good, and seeing pizza in a new light is part the exploration of pizza possibilities. I hope you try this yourself and if you do, please feel free to add photos of your cookies! I'd love to see what you all cook up.

Happy Holidays everyone! 

Pizza in the Mornin' - How to make delicious breakfast pizza

Good Morning. If you're reading this, then you likely look past the Cheerios and Greek Yogurt when you start your day. You need something more, something perhaps more like what you had last night for dinner. You need all that breakfast can offer, but in a way that only pizza can deliver.

I too have been there, and on one morning I decided to take action. I shall now share my secret to what I proclaim to be the best breakfast food I've eaten...and you can eat it too!

Sure it may look like rabbit droppings on scrambled eggs (quite the visual eh?), but I assure you, it will be one of the best breakfast pies you taste. And here's how I did it:

1. Pizza crust from Meijer (WHOLE GRAIN!)

• The Whole Grain Pizza crust from Meijer (or "Meijer's" as Michiganders say) is pre-made and does very well for this breakfast meal. Hearty, quick, and still good quality, this crust is a must.

2. Fresh Spinach

• Spinach gives this pie an omelette feel, plus, pizza is traditionally ignored as a healthy meal. Add some spinach and even Popeye can stand behind this idea!

3. Meijer brand Pizza Sauce

• Once again I've got to go with Meijer for ingredients. This sauce is GREAT! 

NOW I HAVE TO STOP YOU RIGHT THERE! PIZZA SAUCE?! FOR BREAKFAST?!

Okay folks, put the gun down and walk away...just trust me. I know your first inkling is to use sausage gravy, or just to butter the crust like toast, or whatever. But we're talking about pizza here! And pizza has, sauce. So, now that it's out there, I'll continue...

4. Scrambled Eggs

• Get eggs....they come from chickens? Just buy some? 

5. Hash Browns from Trader Joe's

• McDonald's has famously made hash browns for decades with breakfast. Trader Joe's (I promise you) has frozen hash browns that taste exactly like Micky D's! Fry them, or bake, it makes no difference. But once they're ready, cut them into small squares as you see here, and spread as a topping around the pizza.

6. Sausage!

• Believe it or not, what you see in that picture is NOT real sausage. It's actually Morningstar Vegan Sausage. I know, I just lost half of my readers...but stay with me I beg of you! Any sausage will do! I tried the vegan stuff in the pursuit of creativity and variety, It actually tasted pretty good! 

7. CHEESE!!!

• Once again I would direct you to Trader Joe's...they have a Quattro Formaggio shredded cheese which I submit to you will change your life (at least improve your golf swing). I used this specific cheese on my breakfast pizza, and I haven't gone back.

So, all in all, you throw it together like a pizza, and put it in the oven for 10 minutes at 425 degrees. It comes out looking incredible. Now, the flavor is equally as good, but prepare yourselves folks (remember the sauce vs. gravy freak out about 300 words ago?), the pizza sauce will add a slight sweet character to the pizza, but it is not a distraction. The slight sweet plays nicely off the salty cheese and savory sausage. The spinach adds an earthy flavor and the hash browns bring tears to your lacrimal ducts. You will not be disappointed! It all takes about 40 mins (AT MOST) to put together and prepare. That's mostly because of the hash browns. But if you have the time on a Saturday/Sunday morning, you deserve to east this well. Especially, as a pizza fanatic!