Ranch: Or how to slap a Pizza in the face

You've all seen them...you've maybe even been them.

Ranch people.

For some reason the term makes me think of the looped playback of "sand people" (officially named Tusken Raiders) in the first Star Wars movie, growling and making that donkey-laugh after knocking down Luke Skywalker. 

Anyways, ranch people. They order their ranch before they walk into the restaurant in their minds. Whatever they're getting, it's taking a ranch bath before it enters their mouth. Fries, chicken tenders, zucchini fries, fried pickles, breadsticks, chicken wings, and pizza.

Now, I must confess that I have done this. Actually, sometimes I love it. Most of the time, I love it. But no less true is the fact that when you put ranch on pizza, it's like a slap in the face to pizza. 

Think about it...ever put A1 sauce on a steak? (YES! A1 sauce is f@#$% amazing!) Yes it is amazing...but it's not you eating and tasting that steak any more. It's now you observing the holy sacrament of A1 communion. 

My point is this, ranch dressing is a strange bedfellow to pizza. Pizza is one of the aforementioned things that already comes with a sauce on it! Why add another? Pizza is a dynamic taste experience, and to paint it with ranch is not the same as cannon-balling a chicken tender into a vat of ranch to save you from the blandness of the deep-fryer. No, pizza deserves better. And I would submit to you, that you ranchify pizzas that can't stand alone without it (Sorry Jet's!). 

If you truly love the ranch experience, or as I often hear it said in the Midwest "RayynCH", then I won't force you to change completely. I will (as I have admitted) put ranch on pizza. However, the pizzas that are going to rock your world. The pizzas that you have as of yet not seen or tasted for what they really are, will pass you by if you don't exercise the self-control and defy your ranchy nature to taste the real flavor of the slice in front of you. That is my challenge to you ranch people. Find out what pizza your really like, and you won't need to anesthetize your taste buds with whatever the hell makes up ranch...god knows I never want to know its composition. 

I hope this has at least offered a different perspective to how you think about pizza. Again, ranch can be a necessary evil in some pizza instances. But if you want to stick with adding a pizza accessory
(like ranch), why not try another kind? Shake it up a bit! I owe my knowledge of this next item to my wife and her family, but I dare you to try it. Look for this the next time you go grocery shopping:

It's pronounced "Jard-in-air" (I'm like 54.7% sure on that) and it's a spicy delicious companion to pizza. It's more like a back-up dancer than ranch...ranch is a Mariah Carey for sure. 

In the end, if you're eating pizza, then life's pretty good. Just promise me at least once, that you'll keep the ranch hidden in the valley.