My Sentence? 25 for Life!

"Has the jury reached a verdict?"

"Yes, your honor."

"Would the bailiff please hand me the jury's verdict? (judge reads verdict) Would the jury please read the verdict aloud for the court?"

"Yes, your honor...we the jury, in the case of Dumbrille's Brain v. Dumbrille's Arteries have found the defendant 'guilty' on the charges of 'reckless addiction' in the first degree. We hereby sentence the defendant to 25 pizzas a year, FOR LIFE!"

"Thank you jury...bailiff, could you please take the defendant back to the holding cell in the produce section of Whole Foods? Make sure they receive a Kale Taco, 2 Green Beans, and Radish Water. Court is adjourned"

Yeah it went something like that. Except, Marcia Clark was there, I think...oh you think I'm lying?! You want the truth!? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!



Sorry, I really got into it with the courtroom drama...

My body is a temple. Well, it should be, except I treat it like a pizza brothel. It's not hard to see why self-control vanishes in the face of a good pie. It's got everything the body needs! (and a few hundred things it doesn't). But hey, I'm only human. I have needs, I get cravings, and for 10.99 plus delivery, I can get my fix pretty much whenever (at least until the money runs out!). So here I am...addicted, and after much debate, I have agreed for at least the past 2 years to eat ONLY 25 pizzas a year...for the rest of my life. 

Now, like anyone who knows me, if I could crush pizza down into a powder, and turn that powder into pill form, I would probably look something like this:



Therefore, to avoid the spiral of addiction and an outrageously successful diagnostic medicine practice, I have found (with the help of my wife) a way to curb the cravings and practice moderation. I have entered into this agreement knowing full well what I am giving up. But there are some stipulations to this agreement of self preservation. I know there is some hefty "legal jargon" but please try to follow along...here is the detailed plea deal I took about 2 years ago.

1. Gabe Dumbrille (heretofore referred to as "The Addict") shall have no more than 25 pizza meals per calendar year.

2. DEFINITIONS: Pizza Meals = pizza which is ordered, either from a delivery place, carry-out, or dine in, frozen, or otherwise prepared, in the presence of, but without the participation of, The Addict, in said preparation, shall constitute a pizza meal.

3. EXCEPTIONS: Non Pizza Meals = pizza which requires the caloric investment of The Addict in the preparation, shopping and cooking of ingredients (healthy ingredients) which shall constitute what is generally accepted to be, a "pizza" in the traditional definitions, shall not count against The Addict towards the 25 pizza allotment.

4. TERMS: This agreement, as outlined above, will be up for re-negotiation each year on the 31st, of December, with the aim of establishing mutually agreed upon terms for the subsequent calendar year beginning the 1st, of January. This agreement does not reflect the views and opinions of The Addict's wife, or the views and opinions of the Fox News Channel and affiliates, the agreement may not be replicated, distributed, or sold without the express written consent of the National Football League, Humira is not responsible for patients who cannot pronounce "adalimumab", any and all similarities to individuals living or dead is purely coincidental, no animals were harmed in the making of this agreement (except pigs for making pepperoni), and finally, iTunes would like you to just, for once, read the terms they took so long to write instead of just clicking "I agree", it was expensive to pay real lawyers for that. SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Pizza's probably fine to eat.

And that, is what I'm up against. Rather, that is what I want. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" Well in the case of a greasy cheese pennant, absence certainly makes the heart relax for 10 minutes.

Pizza Agreement FAQs

"So, you only eat 25 pizzas a year? It's almost July...do you have like half of them left?"

- uhhh...I have 10 left

"With only 25 pizzas, you probably only eat good ones right?"

- I think generally I do...but Hungry Howies has taken up like 5 of the 25 this year

"You must hate it?"

- No! I seriously don't! I save money, and now, what's cool is that when I finish walking a flight of stairs, I can breathe normally.

"If you make your own, it doesn't count...how does that make sense?"

- Great question...simple answer...QUALITY CONTROL! I buy good ingredients, I usually eat less, and I had to actually do something aside from operate speed dial to get it.

"Do you really eat only 25?"

- So, I turned 30 this year...kind of a big deal (I'm almost halfway to social security!) And I may have played the "I'm 30 now" card a couple times lately, but for the most part, yes. 25 is it.

"Is there like a pizza methadone? Or a patch? Or a gum? What do you do about the cravings?"

- The cravings never die (unfortunately), but I love so many kinds of food that being a little more dynamic in my diet has let me try a lot of different foods so it's been good...plus, methadone? No. But it does make me think of this:



Until next time pizza fans, dine well!